if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
