if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
