Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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