If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
