a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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