Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
