Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
