Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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