Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
