i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
