There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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