I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
