8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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