if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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