dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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