if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
