8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
