I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
