you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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