I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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