seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
