if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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