But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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