I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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