I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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