I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
