i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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