The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
