My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
