Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
