He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
