I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
