You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
