I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
