Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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