Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
