I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
