Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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