I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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