you guys were way drunker than both of me
I hope mine doesn't look like that
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
