I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
