i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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