Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
