tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
