The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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