So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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