Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
