Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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