It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
