I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
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