hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have feelings that need drinking.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
