Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
