I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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