im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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