just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
