Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
